Feb. 20th 1999
Evil Inc. Issue #Who Knows
FINALLY, AN UPDATE
There is a reason why there has not been an update on Jimmy
Garoufalis'web site, appropriately called "EVIL, Inc". A certain
league member, who shall remain anonymous (at least for this week)
won a court order preventing me, the Great One, from publishing an
article, a feature article on said players life.
Because of the torment I faced when confronted by this players
attorney, who was none other than Fraser Baird, Esquire (Bluedogs
Captain), I was unable to bring myself to type anything into my
computer. "EVIL, Inc" was dead. Kaput. One player, one damn player
with a litigous mind and a heartless soul, deprived all the
wonderful readers of "EVIL, Inc" from their weekly entertainment.
Those days are over. I, Jimmy G, am back. Back for good. Back
forever and ever, ready to thrill my devoted fans with true tales
of things I can get away with, with facts I can make up and lies
that are probably true. I hope you enjoy, and may that player burn
RENEGADES: What's Wrong?
What is wrong with this team? Many things, but I will concentrate on
only three of them.
(1)Ian Foster: Once a legend in his own mind, now he's a legend
without a mind, and he never had much up there to begin with. Ian
started struggling after he watched "Shaft", just before the holidays.
Before he saw Shaft, Ian was an easy going guy without a care in the
world, mainly because he was apathetic. Then he saw the film, you
know the one, with Richard Roundtree, the hipster cop, or detective,
or whatever the hell he was. Ian has never been the same since.
"Dude, you know, like, huh, yeah, baby, allright, groove, quick, my
yeah, awesome, whatever", are Ian's catchphrases now. And that's
when Ian is actually understood. Where have you gone, Ian Foster?
A nation turns its lonely eyes to you.
(2)Paul Iacurto: Paul, once upon a time led the league in goal
scoring and points. He also had the hottest web site going,
appropriately called "The 'I' Files". Paul always said that the "I"
had a double meaning, one for his name, Iacurto (I: get it) and two
because it resembled the number 1, which Paul felt that he was in
everything he did. (Who's number one now, big shot?)
Then Paul, like Ian, changed his outlook on life. He started taking
his writing seriously. "I have many fans who hang on my every word.
I owe them better stories, better structure, longer, more meaningful
paragraphs. I, therefore, will go to writing school", said Paul,
just before Christmas.
What Paul didn't know, or probably did but didn't want to admit it,
is that his fans liked his writing for one reason: yes it sucked,
but at least it was short and had the journalistic standards of Jack
But Paul went to writing school anyway, and his dream changed from
being barely understandable in a pathetic type of way, to believing
he was the second coming of Earnest Hemingway. Paul was respected by
everyone at the academy, from the janitor who listened to Paul
ramble on about his dream of becoming an opera star to the secretary
who refused his advances.
Paul became a better writer, although now nobody can understand him
(which explains why he is such a good writer) But his hockey
suffered. He became an average player. Now, Paul can be heard
lamenting in the halls of Westmount High School every Friday. "I had
to improve my sentence structure. I had to go back to school. Nobody
cares about quality? I was so much better when I sucked."
(3)Joe Lazzara: Once upon a time, Joe had three personalities and he
hated both of them. Now he has four personalities and he forgot to
count, so he's not sure how many he's got, let alone which ones he
doesn't get along with.
After having spent a day interviewing Leonard Luedee, Blizzard
goaltender and league stalwart, I came to the realization that
journalism might not be for me. I tried to put paragraphs together
that would explain the essence of Leonard, but instead I will let
Leonard tell you himself.
The Wit And Wisdom Of Leonard Luedee
On winning: "Winning is fun because teammates don't complain as much
as when they lose
On waking up in the morning: "It's not bad when you get used to it"
On slapshots from the point: "Just get in front and stop it. How
hard can it be?"
On slapshots from the slot: "Just get in front and stop it. How hard
can it be?"
On wrist shots from in close: "Just get in……(you get the idea)
On teamwork: "Teamwork is when everyone says you win as a team and
you lose because of certain individuals"
On responsibility: "Responsibility is blaming others if, no, not if,
but when, something goes wrong"
On Robert Staric, Blizzard Captain: "This section is off the record,
right. I don't want this coming out"
On hard work: "Overrated. I get by on skill alone. Hard work isn't
On literature: "I've read all the greats. Tolstoy, Red Fisher,
Hemingway, Pat Hickey, Fitzgerald and Jack Todd. Paul Iacurto too.
On the importance of preparation: "Nah, that's not for me. I like to
wing it and see what happens".
There's more. It should be printed soon.
Some Nicknames on the Four Aces
A Work In Progress
Sean Marcellin "Benz"
Philippe "Is" Gaudreau
John "King" Wong
Donat "Shop" Jean Pierre
Like was mentioned, a work in progress indeed.