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                            ISSUE #4 
                     September 29th, 1998
                
 
                           The Blizzard
                        A STARIC IS BORN
 
September 26th, 1998. 10 in the morning. Received an e-mail from
Robert Staric, Blizzard defenseman. It read as follows. "Dear
Jimmy, When are you gonna write something about the Blizzard.
Your very good friend, Robert Stario". I sent him a reply that
read as follows. "Dear Robert, Who are you? I've never heard of
you. Now leave me alone. Sincerely, Jimmy".
 
September 26th, 1998. Just before noon. Another e-mail from
Robert Staric. "Dear Jimmy, I'm the one that slashed you in the
shins last season and then apologized for it. I was on the
Killer Dwarfs. Hope you remember me now. Your good friend,
Robert". My reply was as follows. Yo, Rob, I remember being
slashed against the Killer Dwarfs but there were so many cheap
shot artists on that team I couldn't tell you guys apart.
Sincerely, Jimmy".
 
September 26th, 1998. Two hours later. Doesn't Robert Staric
have something to do? "Hey, Jimmy. I realize that what I did in
that incident was wrong. Wrong about apologizing, that is, not
the slash. FYI, I'm the skinny tall guy with glasses. Now what
about writing something about the Blizzard. 'Ya know, equal
opportunity for every team. Your friend, Robert". I e-mailed him
immediately. I was starting to enjoy this a bit. A little bit.
"Look Rob, Your team is 0-2. I realize that this record is a big
improvement from last year, it still doesn't warrant any
coverage whatsoever. As for equal opportunity. Well, some are
more equal than others. Jimmy".
 
September 26th, 1998. Dinnertime. Another message waiting. "Read
carefully, Dude. I agree that the Blizzard don't deserve any
spotlight, but I do. In the very near future, meaning the next
issue of Evil Inc, I want you to write something about me.
Something nice. Something true. I know you will acquiesce to my
reasonable demands. Robert". I answered. "Robby, boy, I will
write something true about you that will make you blue in the
next issue. Now stop e-mailing me. My server is on my case.
Jimmy".
 
September 26th, 1998. Around midnight. The last e-mail of the
day. "Hey, Jimmy. Thanks for your note. I'm sure you'll write
something nice at a price that will entice without rolling the
dice. Just don't mention that I think my team doesn't deserve
the spotlight. It might get them upset, even though they know
it's true. Your friend again. Robert". Answered quick. "Robert,
my tall skinny acquaintance who I can't remember for the life of
me, I won't mention your e-mail from earlier tonight. It might
get you in trouble and I wouldn't want that. Jimmy". 
 
 
 
News and Notes From Around the League
 
                          HEAT
After getting blown out 12-3 at the hands of the
Renegades, captain Chris Campbell decided to prohibit his
teammates, except for one, from speaking to the press. In an
interview following the Renegade fiasco, Chris said that
"cooperation gets you nowhere, friendship is over-rated and j
ournalism is crap". As a result, journalists for the league web
page will have to speak with defenseman Martin Bouffard if they
want any information concerning the Heat. Martin is one of the
nicest, most polite, incredibly generous people in the world who
for some reason has never spoken kindly about anyone except
himself in his whole life. One gets the feeling that the Heat
mean business with their new "don't say anything to the press"
policy because they know that nobody, and the press means
nobody, will ever talk to, will ever listen to, or ever ever ask
Martin Bouffard the time of day. 
 
 
                            DRAGONS
Last week Kaptain Kamlesh Patel decided to make a pitch
for disgruntled Renegade forward Paul Iacurto. Kam held private
conversations with Renegade assistant captain Angelo D'Agostino
in which Kam offered himself in return for Paul. This pleased
the Dragons since they never wanted Kam on the team in the first
place but had accepted him anyway since he was doing all the
legwork to get the team started. Double A with a D Apostrophe
never considered Kam's request seriously, since it's always been
his plan to "make Paul suffer as much as possible for making
those demands before the season started". The Dragon's goalie,
Ronen Nathan was not pleased when the trade fell through,
because "it means that Kam is still on the team and that's
never, ever been a good sign".
 
 
                          BLUEDOGS
Netminder Rejean Proulx stole the show in the Bluedogs
5-3 victory over the Four Aces, thereby earning his teams
nomination for League Player of the Week. Rejean's performance
angered defenseman Lino DiGenova, who finally scored a goal
after eons of failing, albeit an extremely fluky one. Lino was
hoping he'd win his team's nomination for Player of the Week,
then maybe, just maybe, with a little luck, a few threats and
some praying and then bribery he could win the League Player of
the Week. With every great save Rejean made, Lino's chances
dimmed. As a result of last Friday's failure, Lino promised to
play so well in the return match with the Four Aces this Friday
that he would win the Player of the Week. "I make no promises,
but I promise this: I will play so well that I'll even make Mike
Murphy proud". To which Mike Murphy replied, "don't get hysteric
al there Lino, not everyone can be like me, but try, try your
best". A tall order, but then again Lino has always spoken
eloquently, though he has never delivered.
 
 
                           FOUR ACES
They mystery guest that Jack Lotti promised never
appeared. Jimmy Garoufalis was there. So was Donat Jean Pierre.
But ehy always show up. Gentle skinny giant John Wong finally
came, as did Vito Rastelli, but the only mystery surrounding
them is why anybody would want them to play for their team. Jack
Lotti played after serving his suspension, and judging from his
beyond mediocre performance, the Aces would probably like Com
missioner Theo Michael to suspend him again. Goalie Yannick
Medou came 10 minutes late, which means that he was five minutes
earlier than usual. Newcomer Sean Marcellin played his second
game for the Aces, but he did not qualify as a surprise. Captain
Lotti was unperturbed, however, promising that for the return
match with the Bluedogs this Friday, the superstar of "mammoth
proportions will be there. Now leave me alone while my daughter
teaches me how to use the Internet. I want to read all the
wonderful things written about me".