Make your own free website on
                          ISSUE #6 EVIL, Inc.
                        October 12th, 1998
                        Mike Murphy On His Way Out
    This fellow, is about to be dropped from the Bluedogs. "Mike has 
no trade value whatsoever," said Greg Phendler.  "He's a very good 
friend, he visits my house often, but this is business, so Mike can 
go to hell," Phendler continued.  
    This observation is echoed by other members of the Bluedogs as 
well.  This can only mean that the Bluedogs, a team that personifies 
teamwork, dedication  loyalty and never picking up the checque, is 
entering the real world, which consists of selfishness, greed, 
avarice and Kim Nethersole never picking up the check.
    How has the situation come to this? Easy. Mike Murphy no longer 
has the "necessary skills" that the Bluedogs are looking for in a 
player, according to goalie Rejean Proulx.  This is strange. The 
Bluedogs can find space for Allan Ramdeen, whose only attribute is 
the ability to draw penalties with brilliantly executed dives, but 
they can't clear a roster spot for Murph, whose seeing-eye passes 
have been eluding incompetent defenseman for many weeks. What has 
the world come to?
    The Bluedogs don't care anymore.  Kaptain Kim Nethersole, a true 
gentleman, did not appreciate Mike Murphy's mini-holdout during 
training camp. (read: Interview With The Legend)  Kim thought that, 
yes, while Murph had the choice of whether to retire or not, it was 
Kim who would decide when.  "It was inconsiderate of Murph to put me 
in a position where I might not get my way.  Who did he think he 
    He was Mike Murphy, legend, that's who he was. And because of 
this status, Murph was able to come back for opening night with the 
teams blessing, despite weeks of teasing them about possible 
retirement.  Then he played poorly in game 1 against the Renegades. 
"That was okay," said Mike Callaghan, "Murph has stunk the joint out 
before. That wasn't a problem."  Then Mike followed that up with a 
brutal performance in game 2. "That was fine," said goalie Rejean 
Proulx. "Believe it or not, even I have bad games where I give up 
more than 1 goal. Nobody was upset with Mike."  
    However, three consecutive wretched performances drew the wrath 
of noted nice guy and legal shark Fraser Baird. "I've supported Mike 
for a long time, mainly because he was a big star, and he liked me 
well enough to let me play on his team. But now I'm a better player 
than he is, don't laugh, I am, I really am, and it's time to make 
serious decisions. Mike has to go."  What about trading Murphy to 
another team? Baird shot that down quickly. "Murph has reached such 
a low level of performance this season that no team would take a 
chance on him. His career seems over."
    The only thing left, it seems, is when, not if, Murph's Bluedogs 
career will end.  One thing is for certain, however. Murph will be 
in the lineup for game 5 when the Bluedogs meet the Blizzard.  The 
reason for this, according to Greg Phendler, "is because we couldn't 
find a replacement in time who fit the right demographic. Male, over 
twelve, taller than four eight, owner of a hockey stick and possessor
of a hundred bucks."
 Player needed for Friday Night Hockey League. Must possess an 
average slapshot, decent  range and give adequate effort.
   This is the ad that Dragons Kaptain Kamlesh Patel published in 
order to attract "the best and the brightest that the hockey world 
has to offer".  According to Kam, "requiring high standards means 
you'll at least be mediocre even if you suck. We want to win and 
we're serious about it." 
    Rajesh Patel came aboard soon after reading the ad in "We'll Take 
Anyone If You've Got The Cash" magazine. "I read the ad and I almost 
began to cry," said Rajesh. "Finally someone (meaning Kam) was 
putting a team together which I actually would qualify for. What a 
guy." Nick Kohner, an accountant, read the ad in the weekly edition 
of "C.P.A's and Hockey: You Too Can Learn How To Play". "Average, 
decent, adequate. These are words I live by. I mean, look at me. 
I'm an accountant."    
    Rajesh and Nick were overjoyed. And why wouldn't they be. They 
had a team to play on.  
                               FOUR ACES
        The Four Aces lost their fourth straight game on Friday, 
11-1 to the Renegades. There was only one item worth mentioning 
concerning the Four Aces and it's this. Forward Sean Ellis speaking 
for the whole team, or at least himself, (no one knows if there's a 
difference), when he said, "losing four straight doesn't bother me. 
Not at all. What upsets me is that we're 0-4."
    There are rumblings within the Heat inner circle concerning the 
new policy whereby speaking with the press is prohibited unless your 
name is Martin Bouffard.  Superstar forward Eric Roy has not been 
afraid to challenge Campbell's authority on this matter, albeit 
hesitantly. "I don't want you to misquote me, so be careful. I'm not 
calling Chris' idea stupid. It isn't. However it is ridiculous, l
udicrous and horribly thought out. Martin shouldn't be allowed to 
talk to his family relatives, let alone members of the press. He'll 
ruin the Heat's wonderful relationship with everybody connected to 
the league."
                          FOUR ACES SALARIES: 
Captain Jack Lotti: 2nd year player.  Has a 3 year deal at 3 
million a year. Extra 100,000$ whenever he gets two full lines down 
for a game. Still waiting to collect on that bonus.
Donat Jean-Pierre: 3rd year player. Recently signed a one year deal 
with Aces management that allows him to play only 9:20 games but get 
paid a full seasons salary anyway. 8 million a year.
Jimmy Garoufalis: 3rd year player. Due to Jimmy's willingness to 
play any and all positions, he was rewarded with a game-by-game 
contract that (1)allows Captain Lotti the right to kick him off the 
team at any time and (2)will pay Jimmy close to 500,000$ if he plays 
every game.
Annual salary: 7 million a year.
Sean Ellis: Rookie. Salary is based solely on incentives, namely 
goals scored. Every goal nets(get it) Sean 150 000$. This explains 
Ellis' playing style perfectly.
John Wong: 3rd year player. 4 years at 9 million a year. 
Surprisingly the richest deal on the Aces. The Aces are 0-4-0. 
Any connection?
Sean Marcellin: 2nd year player. 4 000 000$ a year. No bonuses. Since 
Marcellin is the best player on the Aces, shouldn't he be paid like 
it. "No way," said Captain Lotti, "not even after the season."  
"What we'll do is say bad things about him to the other teams in 
the off-season and force him to come back at the same low offer. 
That's good business," finished Lotti. No, that's blackmail. But 
for Jack Lotti, there's no difference.
Yannick Medou: 2nd year player. 3 million a year for three years. 
For every game he comes late to, Yannick gets fined 300,000$, and 
for every game he misses without advance notice he loses 200,000$. 
Next week Yannick has an appointment with a loan officer.
Total Payroll: 34 150 000 + bonus and incentive clauses
Note: these salaries do not represent real life earnings. Please
do not be offended if you earn less money than someone else. That
doesn't mean that you're not as good a player than a player who
makes more money than you.
  If you feel that your salary is ridiculously low and want a hefty 
pay raise, please e-mail Paul Iacurto at and 
I'll adjust your salary. This was my idea.