ISSUE #6 EVIL, Inc.
October 12th, 1998
Mike Murphy On His Way Out
This fellow, is about to be dropped from the Bluedogs. "Mike has
no trade value whatsoever," said Greg Phendler. "He's a very good
friend, he visits my house often, but this is business, so Mike can
go to hell," Phendler continued.
This observation is echoed by other members of the Bluedogs as
well. This can only mean that the Bluedogs, a team that personifies
teamwork, dedication loyalty and never picking up the checque, is
entering the real world, which consists of selfishness, greed,
avarice and Kim Nethersole never picking up the check.
How has the situation come to this? Easy. Mike Murphy no longer
has the "necessary skills" that the Bluedogs are looking for in a
player, according to goalie Rejean Proulx. This is strange. The
Bluedogs can find space for Allan Ramdeen, whose only attribute is
the ability to draw penalties with brilliantly executed dives, but
they can't clear a roster spot for Murph, whose seeing-eye passes
have been eluding incompetent defenseman for many weeks. What has
the world come to?
The Bluedogs don't care anymore. Kaptain Kim Nethersole, a true
gentleman, did not appreciate Mike Murphy's mini-holdout during
training camp. (read: Interview With The Legend) Kim thought that,
yes, while Murph had the choice of whether to retire or not, it was
Kim who would decide when. "It was inconsiderate of Murph to put me
in a position where I might not get my way. Who did he think he
He was Mike Murphy, legend, that's who he was. And because of
this status, Murph was able to come back for opening night with the
teams blessing, despite weeks of teasing them about possible
retirement. Then he played poorly in game 1 against the Renegades.
"That was okay," said Mike Callaghan, "Murph has stunk the joint out
before. That wasn't a problem." Then Mike followed that up with a
brutal performance in game 2. "That was fine," said goalie Rejean
Proulx. "Believe it or not, even I have bad games where I give up
more than 1 goal. Nobody was upset with Mike."
However, three consecutive wretched performances drew the wrath
of noted nice guy and legal shark Fraser Baird. "I've supported Mike
for a long time, mainly because he was a big star, and he liked me
well enough to let me play on his team. But now I'm a better player
than he is, don't laugh, I am, I really am, and it's time to make
serious decisions. Mike has to go." What about trading Murphy to
another team? Baird shot that down quickly. "Murph has reached such
a low level of performance this season that no team would take a
chance on him. His career seems over."
The only thing left, it seems, is when, not if, Murph's Bluedogs
career will end. One thing is for certain, however. Murph will be
in the lineup for game 5 when the Bluedogs meet the Blizzard. The
reason for this, according to Greg Phendler, "is because we couldn't
find a replacement in time who fit the right demographic. Male, over
twelve, taller than four eight, owner of a hockey stick and possessor
of a hundred bucks."
Player needed for Friday Night Hockey League. Must possess an
average slapshot, decent range and give adequate effort.
This is the ad that Dragons Kaptain Kamlesh Patel published in
order to attract "the best and the brightest that the hockey world
has to offer". According to Kam, "requiring high standards means
you'll at least be mediocre even if you suck. We want to win and
we're serious about it."
Rajesh Patel came aboard soon after reading the ad in "We'll Take
Anyone If You've Got The Cash" magazine. "I read the ad and I almost
began to cry," said Rajesh. "Finally someone (meaning Kam) was
putting a team together which I actually would qualify for. What a
guy." Nick Kohner, an accountant, read the ad in the weekly edition
of "C.P.A's and Hockey: You Too Can Learn How To Play". "Average,
decent, adequate. These are words I live by. I mean, look at me.
I'm an accountant."
Rajesh and Nick were overjoyed. And why wouldn't they be. They
had a team to play on.
The Four Aces lost their fourth straight game on Friday,
11-1 to the Renegades. There was only one item worth mentioning
concerning the Four Aces and it's this. Forward Sean Ellis speaking
for the whole team, or at least himself, (no one knows if there's a
difference), when he said, "losing four straight doesn't bother me.
Not at all. What upsets me is that we're 0-4."
There are rumblings within the Heat inner circle concerning the
new policy whereby speaking with the press is prohibited unless your
name is Martin Bouffard. Superstar forward Eric Roy has not been
afraid to challenge Campbell's authority on this matter, albeit
hesitantly. "I don't want you to misquote me, so be careful. I'm not
calling Chris' idea stupid. It isn't. However it is ridiculous, l
udicrous and horribly thought out. Martin shouldn't be allowed to
talk to his family relatives, let alone members of the press. He'll
ruin the Heat's wonderful relationship with everybody connected to
FOUR ACES SALARIES:
Captain Jack Lotti: 2nd year player. Has a 3 year deal at 3
million a year. Extra 100,000$ whenever he gets two full lines down
for a game. Still waiting to collect on that bonus.
Donat Jean-Pierre: 3rd year player. Recently signed a one year deal
with Aces management that allows him to play only 9:20 games but get
paid a full seasons salary anyway. 8 million a year.
Jimmy Garoufalis: 3rd year player. Due to Jimmy's willingness to
play any and all positions, he was rewarded with a game-by-game
contract that (1)allows Captain Lotti the right to kick him off the
team at any time and (2)will pay Jimmy close to 500,000$ if he plays
Annual salary: 7 million a year.
Sean Ellis: Rookie. Salary is based solely on incentives, namely
goals scored. Every goal nets(get it) Sean 150 000$. This explains
Ellis' playing style perfectly.
John Wong: 3rd year player. 4 years at 9 million a year.
Surprisingly the richest deal on the Aces. The Aces are 0-4-0.
Sean Marcellin: 2nd year player. 4 000 000$ a year. No bonuses. Since
Marcellin is the best player on the Aces, shouldn't he be paid like
it. "No way," said Captain Lotti, "not even after the season."
"What we'll do is say bad things about him to the other teams in
the off-season and force him to come back at the same low offer.
That's good business," finished Lotti. No, that's blackmail. But
for Jack Lotti, there's no difference.
Yannick Medou: 2nd year player. 3 million a year for three years.
For every game he comes late to, Yannick gets fined 300,000$, and
for every game he misses without advance notice he loses 200,000$.
Next week Yannick has an appointment with a loan officer.
Total Payroll: 34 150 000 + bonus and incentive clauses
Note: these salaries do not represent real life earnings. Please
do not be offended if you earn less money than someone else. That
doesn't mean that you're not as good a player than a player who
makes more money than you.
If you feel that your salary is ridiculously low and want a hefty
pay raise, please e-mail Paul Iacurto at firstname.lastname@example.org and
I'll adjust your salary. This was my idea.