THE SAGA OF PAUL IACURTO
As the start of the upcoming CASC hockey season draws
closer, the negotiations between Paul Iacurto and the Renegades
continue around-the-clock. Iacurto staged a walkout immediately
after the Renegades were eliminated from the Concordia playoffs.
Teammates originally assumed that too much iced tea had invaded
Paul's brain, causing the Master Blaster irreparable mind loss,
and therefore did not take his threats seriously.
A few days later, however, on the afternoon of August 9th,
Renegade captain Peter Knapp recieved an E-mail from Iacurto,
describing in quite a bit of detail, the demands that would have
to be met to secure Paul's return. On-the-record, Peter and the
other Renegades were unwilling to discuss what Paul's demands
were, or if indeed he had walked out. Off-the-record, however,
Peter and his mates did not hesitate to speak.
* * * *
"If Paul wanted money, the team could provide that. If he
wanted more playing time, that wouldn't be a problem either. But
this is too much", Peter Knapp was saying during a lunch
interview at a restaurant inside the Chateau Champlain on August
What is "too much"? "Let's put it this way, there are five
items on Paul's list. I cannot unilaterally acquiesce to the
demands unless the team agrees and I don't see how they would",
Peter continued. "This Chateau Lafitte '58 is mild, very swingy.
Not as good as the '47 I have in my cellar, but it will do."
"Paul's first demand is that his name be mentioned first in
all literature concerning the Renegades, no exceptions. For
instance, if Chris Nadeau were to score four goals, including the
winner, what are you laughing at, it could happen, Paul's name
would still have to go first in any review of that game even if
he did absolutely nothing", Peter said with a perplexed look on
his face. "Oh, now I get it, Chris scoring a goal, that is funny.
It was a bad example on my part. Waiter, more balooga caviar,
this time from North of the Caspian".
* * * *
Angelo D'Agostino, Renegade defenseman and conscience of the
league, a true gentleman with no enemies and a sense for refined
behaviour, was letting loose at Pub Inverness on the evening of
"I couldn't believe it. Peter faxed me the list. If Paul
wanted a new Pentium with advanced Windows on it, my company
would have given it to him. He's a good player, he deserves it.
But this is pure sh--", Double-A with a D apostrophe was saying
over mineral water and poutine.
"Look, this table we're sitting at right now, this is the
Renegades table. We frequent this table every Friday night after
our games. Now Paul says he wants to sit closest to the back
exit whenever Joe Lazarra starts talking, so he can leave faster.
Hey, Joe's boring as hell, he can put you to sleep faster than a
hypnotist, and cheaper too, and we all want to get the f--- out
of there when he's talking. I told Peter, this is one demand Paul
* * * * *
There is an important debate occurring today that can be
heard in coffeeshops, schools and office buildings around
Montreal. This debate is threatening to tear apart friendships
and it is no different with the Renegades. Is the debate over
Quebec separation? No. Is it over the partition of Montreal if
Quebec does separate? No. Is it Clinton's impeachment saga over
the Lewinsky allegations? NO. It is much more important than any
of these matters. It is: WCW or WWF. Which do you like better?
According to anonymous sources close to the negotiations
between the Renegades and Paul Iacurto, Paul wants a clause in
his contract that prevents any Renegade from even mentioning the
letters WCW. The anonymous source, who fears recrimination should
his identity be revealed, is Ian Foster. During a breakfast
meeting at the Ritz Carleton on August 11th, Ian elaborated on
Paul's demand whenever he wasn't busy criticizing the service and
quality of his freshly squeezed orange juice.
"Paul's got audacity. He really does. What does he not like
about WCW. They got Piper. They recently signed Marty Jannetty.
And what about Earnest Miller. They are the best wrestlers in the
world. Hey waiter, you call this pulp. This o.j. looks like it
came out of a sink. It has to be peeled gently with a counter
stroke motion from the right wrist".
"Where was I", Ian continued. "Oh yeah. WCW. Paul says that
they got no style. They lack choreography and dialogue. That's
bulls---. Hollywood is still as young as ever, always giving top
notch performances. Luger stinks the joint out less frequently
and Flair's only 70". Ian took a breath. "I asked for new orange
juice a minute ago. Where the hell is it. Excuse me while I find
* * * * *
"Paul Iacurto is not a free agent", Peter Knapp was saying
over the telephone on August 13th. "If any team wants to sign him
we are entitled to compensation of our choosing". What might that
compensation be? "A lot. A twelve pack of point fives. A t-bone
steak for Chris Nadeau, a chocolate bar for Ian Foster. I'm not
undervaluing Paul. He's meant a lot to the Renegades and I
respect that. But no team can meet the reimbursement we require.
Do you know what a chocolate bar costs. Therefore Paul has got to
come down from his negotiating position".
What were the other two items on Paul's laundry list of
demands. Those who know are being cagey, very discreet.
Apparently, items four and five are so controversial that they
threaten to destroy the foundations upon which the Renegade ship
was built: loyalty, honesty, beer and Chris Nadeau's 'yeah baby'.
Keep reading in future editions as I try to find out what else
was on that infamous list.
* * * * *
Paul Iacurto was unavailable for comment. Sources close to
the situation claim, however, that Paul "will be using the
Internet to send messages furthering his cause, to conduct his
business, and to get back into the Westmount League". Paul will
be back in a Renegade uniform soon, says Peter Knapp, "as soon as
he gets off his high horse and accepts reality. We can give him
computers, free airplane trips, money. That's easy. But this is
the real world. We can't mandate where everyone sits at a
restaurant, we can't limit what wrestling organization people can
watch, or where a persons name appears in game reports. We have
to draw the line somewhere. Excuse me, my balooga caviar is
waiting for me. Call me some other time".
SPEAKING WITH THE LEGEND
Will he or won't he? That is the question that threatens to
destroy any chance the Bluedogs have of repeating as CASC ball
hockey champions. The he is Bluedog forward Mike Murphy. The
question is whether Murph will play come September.
Murphy's performance in the 97-98 regular season was nothing
short of excellent. Timely goals combined with solid two way play
helped the 'Dogs finish four games above .500. In the playoffs
Murph really poured it on as the 'Dogs won three straight and the
With success however, comes reflection. Murph has always
been an introspective sort, the kind of person who weighs the
pros and cons of every situation. At the moment, Murph is
contemplating retirement. Why now? Because Murph has always
harboured ambitions of quitting hockey while on top. With the
CASC championship in tow, now would be that time. At least
according to Murph.
Last week, on the afternoon of August 16th, I sat down with
Murph and discussed the latest events.
JG: I'd like to know why you are even considering retirement.
You're still very young. You can conceivably play another two
years before you start stinking the joint out.
Murph: You see Jim, I saw the NBA Finals as did many others.
Watching Michael Jordan finish his career with a championship was
very emotional. He was at the peak of his powers. That's where
I'd like to be.
JG: Where are the parallels? I understand the individual
comparison but these are two different sports.
Murph: I'm gonna say something controversial here. I'm not as
dominant in hockey as Jordan is in basketball. Many that know me
will say I'm being overly modest but that's the truth. As for the
two different sports aspect, I disagree. Five on five. 'Nuff
JG: Have you made a final decision as to your future plans for
the CASC league?
Murph: I haven't. I really haven't. I'm still studying what my
legacy will be. I know that I've accomplished a lot.
JG: Excuse me for interrupting but have you been contacted by any
members of the Bluedogs concerning your predicament?
Murph: Allen Ramdeen called a few days ago. Asked me how I was.
Said that the team needed me. He's right. Of course he's right.
And Mike Callaghan came over yesterday and said that if I didn't
play he wouldn't either. Obviously. He's on the team because I
cover his ass. Without me they wouldn't have him. So he'd rather
quit than be replaced.
JG: Do you wish to stop playing because you fear that the
Bluedogs will not be as strong as last season's champions?
Murph: No. If I retire it will be to preserve my legacy. My
sterling reputation as a hockey god. This has nothing to do with
personel matters. The team is guaranteed to be great simply by my
presence so that doesn't worry me.
JG: One final question. Do you consider yourself the best player
in CASC history? Please do not be modest.
Murph: Well, Jim that's a toughie. I have no discernible
weakness. I am a franchise. Some would give up a dentist
appointment to have my abilities and that's saying a lot. I can't
answer that right now. I'd have to look at a list of other CASC
players before I give a definitive answer but truthfully I don't
know of anyone who's in my class.
JG: I lied. I have one more question. When will you make a final
decision as to your future plans?
Murph: Opening night. Normally teams want their rosters finalized
weeks before the season starts but the "Dogs I don't think will
mind if I make my mind up at that late date. There's not too many
players of my magnitude around. They need me and I'm sure they
are on pins and needles waiting on my reply.
JG: Thank you Murph for everything you've done for CASC and good
luck in the future.
Murph: Think nothing of it. Being a superstar is what I do best.
Jack is Back: What About The Rest?
The Four Aces will be returning this September. That is a
certainty. Organizer Theo Michael promised as much in a telephone
interview conducted on August 20th. Jack Lotti will return as
captain, although the remainder of the roster roster remains in
Lotti refused any and all requests for an interview, even
from yours truly. Lotti has got some nerve. This makes it
difficult to tell the rest of the league what to expect when they
go up against the Four Aces.
EVIL, Inc. Issue 1 September 7st
Notes From Around The League
Returning from last years team are the incomparable Angelo
D'Agostino, the indomitable Ian Foster, the indestructable Peter
Knapp, the average Joe Lazarra and the respectable Chris Nadeau.
In Limbo as of press time is the status of Paul Iacurto (see
New and hopefully useful are goaltender Billy Mark, defenseman
Mark Beaudry and forward Darryl Vineberg
Gone but not forgotten are goalie Ronen Nathan, along with
defensemen Kamlesh Patel and Real Paquette.
Returning are the subtle skills of Jack Lotti, the sweet shot
blocking of John Wong, the amazing acrobatics of Yannick Medou,
the greatness of Donat Jean Pierre, the tallness of George Bacon
and the just awesome everythingness of Jimmy Garoufalis.
In Limbo is the status of Danny Poutente (what's his number
anyway), Claude Pilon (considering raquetball over hockey. Is he
kidding!) and James Mackenzie.
New and hopefully useful is Donat's brother Jacques, who better
be good or there will be hell to pay.
Gone but not forgotten is Greg Tooma, although he did have a nice
shot and because of his huge build nobody could criticize him to
Returning to the Bluedogs this season is almost everyone. There
will be no adjectives used to describe them. Their egos are in
overdrive already. They are Kim Nethersole, the superskinny Mike
Callaghan (okay just one), Rejean Proulx, lawyer Fraser Baird
(Fraser paid for that plug), Tony Ricci, Billy Ponting, Lino Di
Genova and the nasty, brutal Allen Ramdeen (one cheap shot
allowed per article).
In Limbo is Mike Murphy. Status discussed in accompanying
New and hopefully useful: Nobody. When the "'Dogs won the title,
they decided they were perfect the way they were.
Next Issue of EVIL, Inc. will have information on the Heat, the
Blizzard (ex-Killer Dwarfs) and the Dragons (partly ex-