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THE SAGA OF PAUL IACURTO
September 98
 
        As the start of the upcoming CASC hockey season draws 
closer, the negotiations between Paul Iacurto and the Renegades 
continue around-the-clock. Iacurto staged a walkout immediately 
after the Renegades were eliminated from the Concordia playoffs. 
Teammates originally assumed that too much iced tea had invaded 
Paul's brain, causing the Master Blaster irreparable mind loss, 
and therefore did not take his threats seriously.
        A few days later, however, on the afternoon of August 9th, 
Renegade captain Peter Knapp recieved an E-mail from Iacurto, 
describing in quite a bit of detail, the demands that would have 
to be met to secure Paul's return. On-the-record, Peter and the 
other Renegades were unwilling to discuss what Paul's demands 
were, or if indeed he had walked out. Off-the-record, however, 
Peter and his mates did not hesitate to speak.
               *              *                *                   *
        "If Paul wanted money, the team could provide that. If he 
wanted more playing time, that wouldn't be a problem either. But 
this is too much", Peter Knapp was saying during a lunch 
interview at a restaurant inside the Chateau Champlain on August 
10th.
        What is "too much"? "Let's put it this way, there are five 
items on Paul's list. I cannot unilaterally acquiesce to the 
demands unless the team agrees and I don't see how they would", 
Peter continued. "This Chateau Lafitte '58 is mild, very swingy. 
Not as good as the '47 I have in my cellar, but it will do."
        "Paul's first demand is that his name be mentioned first in 
all literature concerning the Renegades, no exceptions. For 
instance, if Chris Nadeau were to score four goals, including the 
winner, what are you laughing at, it could happen, Paul's name 
would still have to go first in any review of that game even if 
he did absolutely nothing", Peter said with a perplexed look on 
his face. "Oh, now I get it, Chris scoring a goal, that is funny. 
It was a bad example on my part. Waiter, more balooga caviar, 
this time from North of the Caspian".
               *                      *              *                              *
        Angelo D'Agostino, Renegade defenseman and conscience of the 
league, a true gentleman with no enemies and a sense for refined 
behaviour, was letting loose at Pub Inverness on the evening of 
August 10th.  
        "I couldn't believe it. Peter faxed me the list. If Paul 
wanted a new Pentium with advanced Windows on it, my company 
would have given it to him. He's a good player, he deserves it. 
But this is pure sh--", Double-A with a D apostrophe was saying 
over mineral water and poutine.
        "Look, this table we're sitting at right now, this is the 
Renegades table. We frequent this table every Friday night after 
our games.  Now Paul says he wants to sit closest to the back 
exit whenever Joe Lazarra starts talking, so he can leave faster. 
Hey, Joe's boring as hell, he can put you to sleep faster than a 
hypnotist, and cheaper too, and we all want to get the f--- out 
of there when he's talking. I told Peter, this is one demand Paul 
isn't getting".
               *              *              *              *              *
        There is an important debate occurring today that can be 
heard in coffeeshops, schools and office buildings around 
Montreal. This debate is threatening to tear apart friendships 
and it is no different with the Renegades. Is the debate over 
Quebec separation? No. Is it over the partition of Montreal if 
Quebec does separate? No. Is it Clinton's impeachment saga over 
the Lewinsky allegations? NO. It is much more important than any 
of these matters. It is: WCW or WWF. Which do you like better?
        According to anonymous sources close to the negotiations 
between the Renegades and Paul Iacurto, Paul wants a clause in 
his contract that prevents any Renegade from even mentioning the 
letters WCW. The anonymous source, who fears recrimination should 
his identity be revealed, is Ian Foster. During a breakfast 
meeting at the Ritz Carleton on August 11th, Ian elaborated on 
Paul's demand whenever he wasn't busy criticizing the service and 
quality of his freshly squeezed orange juice.
        "Paul's got audacity. He really does. What does he not like 
about WCW. They got Piper. They recently signed Marty Jannetty. 
And what about Earnest Miller. They are the best wrestlers in the 
world. Hey waiter, you call this pulp. This o.j. looks like it 
came out of a sink. It has to be peeled gently with a counter 
stroke motion from the right wrist".
        "Where was I", Ian continued. "Oh yeah. WCW. Paul says that 
they got no style. They lack choreography and dialogue. That's 
bulls---. Hollywood is still as young as ever, always giving top 
notch performances. Luger stinks the joint out less frequently 
and Flair's only 70". Ian took a breath. "I asked for new orange 
juice a minute ago. Where the hell is it. Excuse me while I find 
the manager".
        *                      *                      *                      *              *
        "Paul Iacurto is not a free agent", Peter Knapp was saying 
over the telephone on August 13th. "If any team wants to sign him 
we are entitled to compensation of our choosing". What might that 
compensation be? "A lot. A twelve pack of point fives. A t-bone 
steak for Chris Nadeau, a chocolate bar for Ian Foster. I'm not 
undervaluing Paul. He's meant a lot to the Renegades and I 
respect that. But no team can meet the reimbursement we require. 
Do you know what a chocolate bar costs. Therefore Paul has got to 
come down from his negotiating position".
        What were the other two items on Paul's laundry list of 
demands. Those who know are being cagey, very discreet. 
Apparently, items four and five are so controversial that they 
threaten to destroy the foundations upon which the Renegade ship 
was built: loyalty, honesty, beer and Chris Nadeau's 'yeah baby'. 
 Keep reading in future editions as I try to find out what else 
was on that infamous list. 
        *                      *                      *                      *              *
        Paul Iacurto was unavailable for comment. Sources close to 
the situation claim, however, that Paul "will be using the 
Internet to send messages furthering his cause, to conduct his 
business, and to get back into the Westmount League". Paul will 
be back in a Renegade uniform soon, says Peter Knapp, "as soon as 
he gets off his high horse and accepts reality. We can give him 
computers, free airplane trips, money. That's easy. But this is 
the real world. We can't mandate where everyone sits at a 
restaurant, we can't limit what wrestling organization people can 
watch, or where a persons name appears in game reports. We have 
to draw the line somewhere. Excuse me, my balooga caviar is 
waiting for me. Call me some other time".
 
 
                       SPEAKING WITH THE LEGEND  
 
        Will he or won't he? That is the question that threatens to 
destroy any chance the Bluedogs have of repeating as CASC ball 
hockey champions. The he is Bluedog forward Mike Murphy. The 
question is whether Murph will play come September.
        Murphy's performance in the 97-98 regular season was nothing 
short of excellent. Timely goals combined with solid two way play 
helped the 'Dogs finish four games above .500. In the playoffs 
Murph really poured it on as the 'Dogs won three straight and the 
Cup.
        With success however, comes reflection. Murph has always 
been an introspective sort, the kind of person who weighs the 
pros and cons of every situation.  At the moment, Murph is 
contemplating retirement. Why now? Because Murph has always 
harboured ambitions of quitting hockey while on top. With the 
CASC championship in tow, now would be that time. At least 
according to Murph.
        Last week, on the afternoon of August 16th, I sat down with 
Murph and discussed the latest events.
 
JG: I'd like to know why you are even considering retirement. 
You're still very young. You can conceivably play another two 
years before you start stinking the joint out.
 
Murph: You see Jim, I saw the NBA Finals as did many others. 
Watching Michael Jordan finish his career with a championship was 
very emotional. He was at the peak of his powers. That's where 
I'd like to be.
 
JG: Where are the parallels? I understand the individual 
comparison but these are two different sports.
 
Murph: I'm gonna say something controversial here. I'm not as 
dominant in hockey as Jordan is in basketball. Many that know me 
will say I'm being overly modest but that's the truth. As for the 
two different sports aspect, I disagree. Five on five. 'Nuff 
said.
 
JG: Have you made a final decision as to your future plans for 
the CASC league?
 
Murph: I haven't. I really haven't. I'm still studying what my 
legacy will be. I know that I've accomplished a lot.
 
JG: Excuse me for interrupting but have you been contacted by any 
members of the Bluedogs concerning your predicament?
 
Murph: Allen Ramdeen called a few days ago. Asked me how I was. 
Said that the team needed me. He's right. Of course he's right. 
And Mike Callaghan came over yesterday and said that if I didn't 
play he wouldn't either. Obviously. He's on the team because I 
cover his ass. Without me they wouldn't have him. So he'd rather 
quit than be replaced.
 
JG: Do you wish to stop playing because you fear that the 
Bluedogs will not be as strong as last season's champions?
 
Murph: No. If I retire it will be to preserve my legacy. My 
sterling reputation as a hockey god. This has nothing to do with 
personel matters. The team is guaranteed to be great simply by my 
presence so that doesn't worry me.
 
JG: One final question. Do you consider yourself the best player 
in CASC history? Please do not be modest.
 
Murph: Well, Jim that's a toughie. I have no discernible 
weakness. I am a franchise. Some would give up a dentist 
appointment to have my abilities and that's saying a lot. I can't 
answer that right now. I'd have to look at a list of other CASC 
players before I give a definitive answer but truthfully I don't 
know of anyone who's in my class.
 
JG: I lied. I have one more question. When will you make a final 
decision as to your future plans?
 
Murph: Opening night. Normally teams want their rosters finalized 
weeks before the season starts but the "Dogs I don't think will 
mind if I make my mind up at that late date. There's not too many 
players of my magnitude around. They need me and I'm sure they 
are on pins and needles waiting on my reply.
 
JG: Thank you Murph for everything you've done for CASC and good 
luck in the future.
 
Murph: Think nothing of it. Being a superstar is what I do best. 
 
 
               Jack is Back: What About The Rest?
 
        The Four Aces will be returning this September. That is a 
certainty. Organizer Theo Michael promised as much in a telephone 
interview conducted on August 20th. Jack Lotti will return as 
captain, although the remainder of the roster roster remains in 
doubt.
        Lotti refused any and all requests for an interview, even 
from yours truly. Lotti has got some nerve. This makes it 
difficult to tell the rest of the league what to expect when they 
go up against the Four Aces.
 
                       EVIL, Inc.  Issue 1 September 7st
 
               Notes From Around The League
                   Renegades
Returning from last years team are the incomparable Angelo 
D'Agostino, the indomitable Ian Foster, the indestructable Peter 
Knapp, the average Joe Lazarra and the respectable Chris Nadeau.
In Limbo as of press time is the status of Paul Iacurto (see 
accompanying article)
New and hopefully useful are goaltender Billy Mark, defenseman 
Mark Beaudry and forward Darryl Vineberg
Gone but not forgotten are goalie Ronen Nathan, along with 
defensemen Kamlesh Patel and Real Paquette.
 
                          Four Aces 
Returning are the subtle skills of Jack Lotti, the sweet shot 
blocking of John Wong, the amazing acrobatics of Yannick Medou, 
the greatness of Donat Jean Pierre, the tallness of George Bacon 
and the just awesome everythingness of Jimmy Garoufalis.
In Limbo is the status of Danny Poutente (what's his number 
anyway), Claude Pilon (considering raquetball over hockey. Is he 
kidding!) and James Mackenzie.
New and hopefully useful is Donat's brother Jacques, who better 
be good or there will be hell to pay.
Gone but not forgotten is Greg Tooma, although he did have a nice 
shot and because of his huge build nobody could criticize him to 
his face.
 
                               Bluedogs
Returning to the Bluedogs this season is almost everyone. There 
will be no adjectives used to describe them. Their egos are in 
overdrive already.  They are Kim Nethersole, the superskinny Mike 
Callaghan (okay just one), Rejean Proulx, lawyer Fraser Baird 
(Fraser paid for that plug), Tony Ricci, Billy Ponting, Lino Di 
Genova and the nasty, brutal Allen Ramdeen (one cheap shot 
allowed per article).
In Limbo is Mike Murphy. Status discussed in accompanying 
article.
New and hopefully useful: Nobody. When the "'Dogs won the title, 
they decided they were perfect the way they were.
 
 
Next Issue of EVIL, Inc. will have information on the Heat, the 
Blizzard (ex-Killer Dwarfs) and the Dragons (partly ex-
Renegades).