PLAYER SALARIES OUT OF CONTROL
by Régent Proulx
February 27 1999
 
Bad news in the CASC league. Following Sean Marcellin’s unprecedented 3 year 
deal that will earn him $25 million US this season, $30 million US next season 
and $40 million US in the 2001-02 season, several angry CASC superstars have 
demanded to re-negotiate their contract or they will walk on on their team 
and go on strike! For the past few weeks, rumors have been leaking from 
league offices located at the Inverness Pub. Here’s a list of some angry 
players that have demanded bigger bucks
 
 
Ian Foster, Inverness Pub Renegades
Everyone is saying that Ian has been playing the best hockey of his career as 
of late. Ian has asked the Renegades from office for a HUGE salary increase:
- 25 million a year for this season + a free bus pass every month 
- 30 million a year for next season + his own bus
 
 
Darren Roberts, Demolition
Everyone is saying that he has the fastest slapshot in the league. For Darren, 
a fast shot means fast money. He has demanded 15 million a year for this 
season + his own practice net equipped with a REGGIE manikin, since he likes 
scoring on him so much . Furthermore, he has obliged Demolition management to
be paid on a daily basis
 
 
Jean-François Marcil, Lebeau: He has accounted for one third of Lebeau’s 
goals and has demanded to be rewarded accordingly: 6 million a year for this 
season + bonuses. Add an extra $10 000 when one of his teammates scores. Add 
$30 000 when he scores and add an extra $50 000 for every assist he records.
 
 
Ba-Thuan Nguyen, Phoenix: One of the best players in the league. He’s 
presently earning a meager $200 000 a year!! An infuriated Ba-Thuan wants 
Red Phoenix management to open the vault: 16 million a year for this season + 
an extra 10 million if he leads the league in scoring. He has also asked for a 
gold plated stick and a personal massager to soothe his soft, pillow like 
hands
 
 
Carine Contreras, Dragons: Rumors of salary equity have surfaced ever since 
she joined the men’s division. She wants to be paid in the same salary bracket 
as men since she’s the only woman playing regularly in the men's division. 
She claims that fans come to watch HER play and not the men. She has asked for
2 million a year for this season + a man to carry her bags home. She wants 3 
million a year in 2000-01 + her own changing room. Tap on another 1 million 
dollar raise in 2001-02 + Paul Iacurto and Darren Roberts as her personal 
slapshot coaches. She has also demanded 50% commission for every Dragons 
jersey that is sold with her name on the back
 
 
Billy Ponting, Bluedogs 
Billy is having an excellent season and is giving 110% gamein, game out. But 
he has still gotten shit from his teammates. 
- 4 million a year for this season + an extra $200 000 for every time he 
gets shit from one of his teammates during a game
- 5 million a year for 2000/01 + a private mailbox so his shit can be delivered
by mail
 
 
Régent Proulx, Bluedogs: 
Régent is handsomely paid (10M / year), but the 3 time best goalie award winner 
has nonetheless asked for a raise:
- 30 million a year for 1999/2000 + a new set of equipment for every following 
year 
- 35 million a year for 2000/2001 + Couture and Roberts as teammates
 
This contract was rejected by Kim Nethersole since he felt that Régent was 
whining and crying too much at the beginning of the season, plus the fact that
he does not have the lowest GAA for this season!! "Better luck next time or 
go play elsewhere..." said Nethersole
(DAMN DAMN DAMN, get me out of that team...sob)
 
Fernando Collaza, 4 Aces 
This CASC league rookie isn't happy about playing on the blue line. He 
considers himself as a talented offensive player and wants a new contract:
- 1 million a year for 1999/2000+ an extra $10 000 for every game he plays on 
defense
- 2 million a year for 2000/2001 + a 1 million dollar bonus if he lets his hair 
grow + a 5 million dollar bonus if he plays on offense
 
 
Victor Pajor, Blizzard
He considers himself as the fastest defenseman in the league (or do we?). But 
his teammates are saying that he is not rough enough.
So here's the deal:
- 2 million a year for 1999/2000 + $50 000 for every roughing penalty he 
gets
- 3 million a year for 2000/2001 + a 10 million dollar bonus if he can lay the 
Smackdown on the other fast man of the league: PAUL IACURTO
 
Paul Iacurto had this to say about Victor considering himself as the fastest
player in the league: "Eat my dust, Vic".
 
 
 
MORE CONTRACT TALK
by Paul Iacurto
 
Keith Myers, Demolition
Keith has been whining about his $150 000 annual salary for the past year and 
has been offered a $20 annual raise by Demolition owner Mike Callaghan. "Keith 
has increased his point production by about 20 from last year. I’ll gladly pay 
him an extra buck a point" said Callaghan
 
 
Fraser Baird, Bluedogs: A very peculiar contract. Fraser is rumored to already
be one of the highest paid players in the league since he has negotiated a 
special clause in his contract that pays him a generous $100 000 for every 
elbow hit that he delivers to opposing players
 
With the extra cash, Fraser the Torontonian has launched his own radio station 
called TO.100. At the top of every hour, the station runs the following 
promo: "You’re listening to TO.100, an all Toronto talk station for a vibrant, 
exciting,". It was reported on CTV news last week that sales of Niquil and 
Sominex have hit rock bottom ever since TO.100 came on the air. "I no longer 
need sleeping pills to fall asleep" said an anonymous listener. "I just tune 
into TO.100. That’s what Toronto can do to a person"
 
Also, Fraser has begun a joint venture with teammate Greg Phendler. With their 
extra bonus money awarded to the 1999 league champions, Greg and Fraser have 
launched their own publishing company. Their first book is entitled: "Living 
in the past, Greg and Fraser's Bluedog smug days". The book has been translated 
in French: "Oublions le présent et tournons la page….en arrière. Greg et 
Fraser font leur frais"
 
 
John Wong, 4Aces
John, a savvy business man, has demanded for a huge salary increase in the 
$6 million dollar a year neighborhood. With the extra money, John wants to 
launch his a line of men’s clothing called "ecstatic". With ecstatic clothing, 
it’s John’s personal money back guaranteed that every single dirt, dust and 
lint particle will cling on to your clothes every time you slide on the floor. 
"I’m the static cling king" said John. 
 
As well, John is rumored to be coming out with a patent for a revolutionary 
type of floor tile made out of banana peels that are guaranteed to make you 
slip and slide all over your house. "I love sliding on the floor" said John.
 
 
Paul Iacurto, Inverness Pub Renegades
Paul has demaded an extra $10 million a year to help finance the building of
an Inverness Pub Renegades/Black team practice facility where he will give the
Black team some more pointers so they can be an even better team.