THE SEANSTER, THE GREATEST November 23 1999
Sean Marcellin of the Inverness Pub Renegades, the league’s MVP and leading
scorer for the 1998-99 season, is the new CASC salary champion. Marcellin signed
a 3 year deal with the Renegades that will earn him $25 million US this season,
$30 million US next season and $40 million US in the 2001-02 season. Sean’s
deal literally dwarfs Mike Murphy unprecedented 1998-99 contract that paid him
a handsome $15 million US per year.
After many unsuccessful negotiation sessions in some of the finest hotels in
downtown Montreal, the Seanster finally inked the deal on Saturday September
4th 1999 in La Macaza Quebec. Call the Marcellin deal the Macaza Lake Accord.
Here’s a brief history of the moments leading up to the biggest contract
signing in ball hockey history.
September had rolled around the corner and the greatest player in CASC history
still remained unsigned. The Seanster was weighing his options carefully; other
than the Inverness Pub Renegades, 2 other franchises were also vying for his
services. Renegades owner Peter Knapp heard through the grapevine that the
Renegades were the front runners in the Marcellin sweepstakes and therefore
tried to dupe him into signing for less money than he was really worth. Peter
was living up to his penny pinching reputation like never before; he was quoted
in the July 1999 issue of the Sporting News as "refusing to mortgage the team’s
financial health for the benefit of 1 player". But why? All of last year’s
Renegade home games in their brand new, state-of-the-art "Prima Donna Center"
were complete sellouts and the money was pouring in big time. But Peter was
rumored to be investing his huge budget surplus in money laundering activities,
instead of spending the extra cash on player salaries. He has also been under
scrutiny for betting on his own games. CASC president Theo Michael has
appointed a special commitee to look into this situation.
In late August, all talks between the Sean and the Peter had totally broken
down. In an eleventh hour attempt to sign the Seanster, Peter convened him as
well as teammates Paul Iacurto, Chris Nadeau and Gary Cohen to his La Macaza c
ottage on Saturday September 4th 1999. "Maybe the country air will put some
sense into him. No more fancy hotels" said a discouraged Knapp.
Veteran defenseman Chris Nadeau knew first hand about Peter’s reluctance to
spend on player salaries. "I have 1 CASC championship, 1 Concordia championship
and I’m also the 3rd highest scoring defenseman in CASC history and I’m only
earning 5 million a year. I find that insulting for a player of my caliber. My
wife is pregnant and I need financial security for my family. Plus I need more
beer money. But it’s all because of Paul’s huge contract that Pete cannot pay
us market value. That scrawny separatist earns $14 million a year and for what
reason? All he knows how do is to pull those fancy little passes out of
his ass. And besides, he’s a separatist. He voted for the ADQ in the last
election. If he dares to vote Yes in the next referendum, well, I got a problem
solver and his name is revolver
After an enjoyable ride up to the cottage, the La Macaza negotiations began at
2pm sharp. Peter appointed Mr Jack Daniel as a special mediator for the
Marcellin negotiations. Daniel flew down from his Tennessee home in his private
jet. The Seanster did not waste any time in making his demands be felt: "I want
$25 million US a year for the first year, limousine service to the gym,
a personal female trainer and my own luxury box so my family and friends can
watch my games". Peter was livid: "Are you out of your fu.. mind? I’ll give you
2 million CDN a season, a skateboard, your friends and family can watch the
games in the cheap seats and as far as a personal female trainer goes that is
also out of the question, but I’ll gladly fix you a date with skanky Susan
from the Inverness Pub".
"You don’t pay, I don’t play" said Sean
"I’m broke, Sean. Here, have another shot of JD" said Peter
We suddenly heard the sound of gravel pulling up the driveway. Sean took a
peep out the window and noticed a blue Toyota
Tercel "Hey guys, who’s the rudy pooh that drives a blue Toyota Tercel?", said
Sean
Surely enough, it was Fraser "elbows" Baird of the Bluedogs who made an
impromptu appearance at the cottage.
"Hi guys! How’s the coolest team in ball hockey doing today?
You guys rule and I want to be part of your team. The Bluedogs are nothing but
a bunch of mama’s boys and I want out. I’m dying to be a Renegade; the talented
players, the comradeship, the fanfare, the spotlight, the attention, the
following, the entourage, the parties and the drinking. The Bluedogs are bores
and besides the only girls that come to watch our games are from the convent.
Can I play for you guys this season?"
Chris, Peter, Gary and Paul all answered in unison: "No"
Fraser continued. "C’mon guys, please, please, please, with a cherry on top.
I want to be part of the orange and black attack"
"You want to be a Renegade Mr Fraz? Okay, here’s the dare: I’ll take you water
skiing. If you can manage to stay upright on your skis for 5 minutes without
falling, you’re in" said Peter
"I’m ready" said Fraser
Peter whipped up the power boat and promptly slammed the pedal to the metal.
The hard acceleration did not phase Fraz who managed to stay in an upright
position. All of a sudden, Peter resorted to a series of hard twists and turns
that made the water ripple at shoreline. Fraser could no longer hold on; his
legs went in opposite directions and his entire body was tied in knots by
the rope. He also swallowed the handle bar. He plummeted to the water with a
resulting bruise on his right thigh. Fraser was in tears but Peter felt no
remorse as he was pulling his sorry ass out of the water.
"Looks like another long season with the Bluedogs. Try not to drink too much
with the girls from the convent" said Peter
Theo "the sanctioner" Michael had just arrived at the cottage and took the
opportunity to gather up everyone. He seems to bring his dictatorial attitude
everywhere he goes: "I will not tolerate any shenanigans today. Anyone who
throws a cigarette butt into the lake will be suspended 1 game. Anyone who
throws a roach into the lake will be suspended 5 games and anyone who
throws a beer bottle into the lake will be suspended for the entire season"
Back to the business at hand. It would be agreed that the Marcellin
negotiations would resume very shortly, but not before a touch football game.
It was Peter and Chris versus Paul and Sean. Mr Jack Daniel was the lone
spectator for the game. A round of whisky followed every touchdown. Game over:
Seanster and Paulster win 24-17. Peter was feeling particularly woozy after the
game. He felt sick but still wanted more sauce.
"More boooooooooze" yelled Peter.
"Now is the time to take advantage of this dope" said Sean who ran into the
cottage and headed straight to Peter’s office. Sean, a former locksmith, easily
broke into Peter’s filing cabinet with a simple coat hanger. He flipped through
all the sections of the filing cabinet:
SECTION 1 - UNDER CONTRACT
Angelo D’Agostino, Darryl Vineberg, Chris Nadeau, Gary Cohen, Carl Brown,
Paul Iacurto, Billy Mark, Jason Thivierge, Billy Gorsky, Steve Bleau and
Ian Foster.
SECTION 2 - STILL NEGOTIATING
Sean Marcellin
SECTION 3 - WANNABE RENEGADE WHO BRINGS HIS GYM BAG TO CONCORDIA AND WHO ALSO
FOUND HIS WAY IN THE 1999 CONCORDIA CHAMPIONSHIP PICTURE
John Wong
Sean forged Peter’s hand writing and carefully altered the terms of his deal.
He penciled himself in for 25 million US for the 1999-2000 season, $30 million
in 2000-01 and $40 million US in 2001-02. A $15 million dollar signing bonus
was also added. Sean erased the skateboard and "evening with the skanky Susan"
clauses and added his original demands for a luxury box, limousine service, a
personal female trainer and also threw in a smaller luxury box so his beautiful
dog Brando can watch all Renegade home games. "Who would want to go out with
Susan anyway?" said Sean
Sean folded the contract and stepped outside. A piss drunk Peter was leaning
against the shed while holding his stomach. The vomit would soon erupt like a
volcano. Sean quickly handed him a pen and told him to sign on the dotted line.
The negotiations had finally come to an end. Peter signed the contract. A
green, red and brown puke morsel stained the bottom of the contract.
It was a done deal. Sean stepped into the power boat, gazed at the stars and
laughed his head off.
Fast forward to November 1999. Sean is a happy to be part of the Renegades.
The team sits atop the CASC standings and the Seanster leads the league in
scoring (as usual). The Renegades have never played so well, with only 2 losses
in their last 25 games. And Fraser still wants to be a Renegade; that will
never change
Sean has it all: fame, fortune and he has recently been named the sexiest man
in the CASC league by a poll conducted in the CASC Women’s Division. Sean won
the award in a cakewalk; Kim Nethersole of the Bluedogs, sporting a new super
70’s puffy hairdo, finished a distant second in the voting. "The results of
the poll are just like we anticipated" said Suzanne Solomon of the Monkland
Mavericks ". Jimmy "the egomaniac" Garoufalis was crushed by the results:
"What! I’m not the sexiest man in CASC? I spit polish my head every day for
crying out loud"
The CASC Women’s Division Players Association published their press release
only a few hours after the results of the poll.
November 15 1999,
The CASC Women’s Division unanimously recognizes that Sean "the magnet"
Marcellin of the Inverness Pub Renegades is the sexiest man in CASC. We really
like Kim Nethersole’s new fro but Sean is our favorite by far. There is an
aura of rugged, masculine meat about Sean that we women of the CASC Women’s
Division cannot resist. We get weak in the knees and our hearts are all
a-flutter when we see Sean.
The Players Association has also drafted a recommendation that we will send to
Mr Marcellin advising him to no longer come to any of our games since we cannot
concentrate on hockey as soon as he enters the gymnasium.
Epilogue
A good time was had by all at Peter’s cottage on Saturday September 4th 1999.
Paula Déry proved beyond the shadow of a doubt that she’s a better water
skiier than Fraser.
Peter got piss drunk
Sean and Chris laughed their heads off in the power boat at 2am
Sean and Chris BBQ’d at 4am
Paul heard Chris snoring from one bedroom away
Maxime and Zoe had dinner together
To Sean,
I am ecstatic that you decided to stick with the Renegades following our 1999
Concordia championship. You are the greatest player in CASC history and the
greatest player I have ever played with. I am hopeful that we will finish our
ball hockey careers as teammates. You have been the greatest influence in my
ball hockey career. We share that competitive edge and winning desire that
fuels us to perform at a top notch level week after week. Playing on the same
line as you has been nothing but a blast. You’re a super guy and I have a great
deal of respect for you.