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October 19 1999
COMPARING THE 2 DIVISIONS
 
 
One year has gone by since Theodore Michaelís article on the CASC Womenís
division and nobody still understands his allusion to the "red smarties"
 
In his article Theo wrote: "4 October 1998 - Westmount: It finally happened.
After months of negotiations CASC was finally able to add a Wymin's division. 
"I wanted the organizer of the league to assure me that smarties would be 
available after the games and that red smarties would not be mixed with the
other colors", said Deserie Duncan, "and he promised that he would make it 
so
 
(later in the article) Anyhow, a shot to the head is not as bad as it 
sounds".When approached for comment, Theo Michael replied in a stressed 
tone, "I've got no time now. The game is almost over and I still have red 
smarties to seperate".Beverly (former team captain the women's Canadian 
national field hockey team) was timekeeper and secretly scouting the game 
(Oops!)."
 
Did you understand the allusion to the red smarties?
 
Paula Dťry: "No"
Suzanne Solomon: "No"
Valerie Frost "No"
Maxime Michael: "No daddy"
Philippe Michael: "No mommy"
Zoe Solomon-Baird: "Theo makes no sense"
Isaac Newton: "Niente"
Albert Einstein: "Theo is too complicated for me"
Descartes: "Theo is the philosopher of the new millennium"
Chris Nadeau: "Just cause Theo is my brother in law doesnít mean that 
I have to listen to him. Une autre grosse Molson Ginette"
 
Theo: "you people just donít understand me"
 
We need help! If any of you are witty enough to solve the "red smarties" 
mystery, please email me immediately. But Theo deserves credit for being 
the first person to write about the Womenís division. I have written 
numerous articles since the inauguration of the web page but none have 
focused on the Womenís division. To tell you the truth, I had never taken 
the Womenís division seriously until I played my first game in nets a 
little over 3 weeks ago. 
 
Il y a juste les fous qui changent pas díidťes. For those of you that 
donít understand french - suffer (joke). I like the Womenís division so 
much that I prefer it over the Menís division. People think that Iím 
B-shi..ng. Non. My retirement from the Menís division is likely to occur 
at any moment... My involvement in the Menís division will be reduced to 
an administrative capacity only. My playing days are over. Itís the 
perfect time to say goodbye before my game starts to dwindle 
 
I prefer thewomenís division since it truly represents the CASC vision 
comradeship and sportsmanship. The menís division will always lag leaps 
and bounds behind the womenís division from this perspective. Men will 
always play a much more aggressive game than women do, but they are also
much more stubborn and much less apologetic. Men donít know how to react 
when their macho pride is shaken by a stunning turn of events. Did you know 
that the word pride also means a company of lions? Men are lions; donít 
invade their territory, in fear of getting your ass kicked. 
 
Here is comparing the 2 divisions in a very sarcastic nutshell
 
In the womenís division, sportsmanship and comradeship are the name of the 
game
In the menís division, the name of the game is the comprehensive stats 
package that we created, so we can satisfy our massive egos
 
 
In the womenís division, a player will immediately apologize when knocking 
down an opponent
In the menís division, a player that knocks down another player will back 
up and bowl him over a second time just to make sure he doesnít get up 
right away. 
 
 
In a goal mouth scramble in the womenís division , the goalie freezes the 
ball and play resumes behind the net
In a goal mouth scramble in the menís division , the goalie freezes the 
ball, counts his fingers and play resumes behind the net
 
 
In the womenís division, the team comes first; individual accomplishments 
come second
In the menís division, individual accomplishments come first. Players look 
at the scorers list before they look at the standings. "I got 7 points last
week! Wow! Did we win? I donít remember" (and if only you can hear that 
little voice deep down inside his soul: "and frankly, I don't give a shit 
if we won or lost. My stats are more important")
 
 
In the womenís division, players know how to win
In the menís division, players donít know how to lose
 
 
In the womenís division, a boyfriend will come to watch his girlfriend 
play. If she scores a goal, she will not show off in front of him. 
In the menís division, a girlfriend will come to watch his boyfriend play. 
If he scores a goal, he will blow kisses at her, to send the message that 
sheís the luckiest girl in the world to be going out with such a gifted 
hockey player.
 
 
In the womenís division, forgotten sticks, water bottles and orange balls 
are given back to the person concerned
In the menís division, forgotten sticks, water bottles and orange balls 
are used in the next game
 
 
In the womenís division, you suffer a difficult loss and still shake hands 
after the game 
In the menís division, you suffer a difficult loss and your massive macho 
pride is totally shaken. You immediately hightail it out of the gym without
shaking hands
 
 
In the womenís division, players on the bench cheer and encourage their 
teamís performance In the menís division, players cheer and encourage their
teammates to get off the floor immediately so they can go on
Every single man who just read this is saying to himself: "yeah, I do that 
all the time"
 
 
In the womenís division, things are so quiet that you can hear the 
ventilation systems and the sound from the sodium or fluorescent light 
fixtures (Iím a lighting expert)
In the menís division, players scream and yell like a bunch of 2nd grade 
toddlers who are in the school yard during recess. 
 
 
In the womenís division, a referee is a connscientious adult who calls a 
hockey game as best he can, in the utmost neutrality
In the menís division, a referee is a diaper and pacifier donor. 
 
 
In the womenís division, players go to the bar to relax after the game
In the menís division, players go to the bar to ruin the benefits of an 
hourís worth of athletic activity by drinking 5 or 6 quarts
 
 
In the womenís division, players are physically drained after a game
In the menís division, referees are mentally drained after a game
 
 
In the womenís division, a quarrel is immediately forgotten
In the menís division, a quarrel is never forgotten. You will need to hire 
a secret agency to relocate your family in a new city, change your last 
name, all in fear of being found by the guy you accidentally slashed on 
the shins
 
 
In the womenís division, a player who draws blood will be attended to 
right away (I donít think it has happened thus far)
In the menís division, the assailant will sip his victims blood, go home 
and create a clay molding of the victims face, put it on a platter, attach 
it to the roof of the car, and drive it through the streets of downtown 
Montreal while blasting Marilyn Manson music
 
 
In the womenís division, a ball hockey gymnasium is a place where adults 
exercise and have fun 
In the menís division, a ball hockey gymnasium is an evening daycare 
center for massively overgrown 5 year old oafs who use plastic sticks to 
slap each other on the shins
 
 
In the womenís division, a gymnasium is comprised of a smooth playing 
surface utilized to play ball hockey
In the menís division, a gymnasium is a giant sandbox where little boys 
gather in bunches to push themselves one on top of the other, while 
calling each other names
 
 
After reading this article. women will fully understand the satiric 
nature of this article
After reading this article, some men will threaten me with fisticuffs 
since no man is allowed to laugh at his own gender
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